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  • franchescarenee

Walking through the fire

This has been an odd year for me. It hasn't been without pain and difficulty. A lot of changes have happened, a lot of discoveries not only about others but about myself. I have learned that I am not a perfect person, that I can in fact be a villain in some people's stories. I've never had to face my truth so much and the hardest part for me has been to forgive myself with so much that has happened. It's an every day struggle.

When you continue to brush glass under a rug, the glass is still there and broken. When you brush so much glass underneath it, you are left with no choice but to take the rug off and reveal all of the broken pieces. The pieces are right there, in your face and you cannot look away when it is glaring at you right in the face. What do you do? Do you pick up the broken pieces and discard them in the trash only to leave room for more pieces to be swept under the rug?

Or do you find ways to make sure that in the future, glass is not broken like that ever again? The latter causes you to be more forthcoming and mindful when it comes to preventing the glass from breaking but the former allows you to continue to be careless and if more glass breaks, all you have to do is sweep it under the rug. I compare this to facing and battling my own demons and flaws.

The truth is, when it comes to love I have encountered in my life, I have no regrets and this includes the not so successful relationships I have encountered. I don't look at myself as a victim, however I do struggle with being the villain in anyone's story. If I had a looking glass or if I could talk to my past self, I would urge them to make different choices.

The battle wounds that we acquire in life either heal or get worse. I choose to NOT hide my scars so I can remember what it took to get there in order to grow.

But then I remember that the paths that we decide to take in life is only supposed to make us grow and if consequences come about, we learn from them. Right now my biggest enemy is myself, but at the same time the biggest believer is myself. Today isn't yesterday and tomorrow isn't today.

I remember this when I am battling with monsters inside me that are telling me to give up and disappear. I compare losses of relationships to a death, because you are grieving someone that is no longer in your life. And whether or not the loss was your fault or not, there are still levels of guilt. I try not to let it consume me as I have good days and bad. Depression is a real thing that I and I know many others experiences.

There are days where it feels hopeless but I remember to put my hand on my chest to remind myself that I am a living and breathing yet flawed human being that is on this other for a purpose, no matter how badly the circumstances may seem at the time. I am a warrior. The feeling right now is only temporary.

Someone once told me that reality is what we make it. You can't change what 'was' but you do have control of what 'will be.'

Tomorrow is unwritten.

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