It's been a while since I posted. I hadn't really known what to really say. I told myself this year I would make it a point to post more and actually find some sort of...pattern or theme as to how I would post. I gave it so much thought that in the end, I eventually ended up OVER thinking how and what I was going to post. It wasn't until well, now o'clock that I finally decided to say fuck it and just posts whatever comes to heart.
I skimmed through some of my old posts and it was almost as if I was reading a stranger's story or a whole new story. Because the author of that is someone that is a different person. Not to say that they are totally foreign but it is almost like looking at an old tape. I've been through so much since the last time I wrote what I did write.
I'm looking at it thinking "Girl, you have no idea what is about to come in store." I saw someone that was yearning for love, fighting with every thread in her being to find a sense of purpose as to why she is even hear on this earth. A lost girl with a childlike naivety to her, but that child in her was slowly burning and withering away. The innocence and sense of adventure in her was being ripped away, but I saw her trying to hold on despite the feeling of hopelessness she may have felt.
She was waking up every day with hope even if she didn't feel it. It was as if she was forcing herself to have that hope when everything around her was in destruction. That feeling that I am reminiscing about seems as if it were yesterday. As I'm writing this, I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose is for this blog. Hopefully that answer will come. What I'm doing right now is writing what is coming from my heart. Not sure who will even read this, but I am being called to be vulnerable right now.
Maybe it is what God is calling me to do, but I'm going with whatever I feel that it is in my heart to do. Maybe someone will read this and feel as if it resonates with them I almost can't believe I came so close to not wanting to even breathe or be on this earth. The hopelessness was almost enveloping me to the point where I saw no light. Someone could hold a blow torch in my face and I still wouldn't have seen the light.
It's why my post titled "Win The War" that talked about how Max from Stranger Things was fighting for her life to see the light. The truth is, in that moment it was a post to hype myself up more than anything. I was barely seeing the light during that time. I wanted to find something to hold on to, anything. Did love exist? At that time friendships and relationships were going through such a tumultuous time for me. And I'm in no way playing victim to any of it because we all have a part to play in our experiences in my life. Whether or not we are at fault or take the brunt of it. I felt like I was in a nightmare I couldn't wake up or escape from.
But the guilt was overriding me so much, it was to the point to where I almost couldn't take it anymore. The people I was seeking out love and forgiveness from weren't giving it to me. I felt broken and defeated. Why was I here? Why was I even allowed or why did I even have the same privilege of breathing the same air as everyone else because I felt so insignificant. The dreams I held onto felt so far fetched and out of reach that I was not seeing a point anymore.
As I am writing this, I am listening to one of my favorite composed songs by Hans Zimmer called Time. It is from the Inception sound track. I had to take a small break to listen on it and reflect on my past and how far I have come. Time is what we make of it. God put us here to make sure we give ourselves good use of our time and to fulfill our purpose and it is up to US as to whether or not we do it. Yes we have God given gifts, but what are we going to do with it now that we are here.
I want to hug the little girl that wrote the blog posts before me and tell her give it TIME. Because TIME is all we have. Even if it feels so painstaking in that moment, TIME is on your side. It will be okay, You're beautiful and brilliant and you're meant to LIVE. For those of you who are reading this and feel hopeless, please continue to hold on. You have so much value in this world. More than you know. Depression is real. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are real. I wish I could heal everyone in the world but if I could touch someone, anyone, that will give me enough joy for a very long time.
I say this to say, where I am at right now, I couldn't be any more happier. Yes there is still more to do an accomplish, there are still more buildings to build and foundations to start, however it's something I'm looking forward to. My city was never destroyed, it was under construction.
My time is NOW and thank you GOD for letting me see this.
And so is yours.
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